“No significant learning happens without significant relationship.” – Dr. James Comer 

“Love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which a man can aspire.” – Dr. Viktor Frankl

“We share with those who have earned the right to hear the story.” – Brene’ Brown

One of my favorite people ever was Mr. Rogers! Fred Rogers displayed a real persona on PBS that made everyone believe that this is a man I could trust and would care for me. We felt we knew him. Mr. Rogers kept a quote in his wallet from an unknown social worker that said, “Frankly, there isn’t anybody you couldn’t learn to love once you’ve heard their story.” This is beautiful, true, and very difficult to get to the point where you get to hear another’s story.

If you happen to go to church and you are an educator then you have probably been approached to teach a Sunday school class. The pressure is on at that point because now you have to be amazing because that is your profession. It is a little like being a professional comedian and someone catching you on the street and have them ask you to “say something funny”…the pressure is on!

I recently experienced being asked to teach a Sunday school class. I thought I had a great idea for a Sunday school class. Understanding the power of “story” and the way Jesus taught in parables, I thought it would be fun to study the parables and then take it a step further. I would have those who attended the class tell their story. They could share the story of their life and we would all draw closer together by getting real with one another and sharing deep about ourselves.

I shared this idea with my wife and she looked at me like I had lost my mind! She said that she wouldn’t even go to my Sunday school class if that were what she was going to have to do. I couldn’t believe it…my own wife! Then it hit me like a brick. Just because I was willing to make myself vulnerable to the class did not mean they had any desire at all to share their story with me. I had not earned the right to hear everyone’s story.   …Lesson learned.

For years I wondered what it was that made kids open up with their life’s experience to some teachers while other teachers never had a student open up to them beyond the curriculum at hand.   Why do some teachers never have an appropriate relationship with students that moved beyond just the curriculum when the research shows us so clearly the positive impact on learning that results?

Dr. James Comer stated, “No significant learning happens without significant relationship.”[1] Since we know that we all innately strive for connection, it seemed that being able to breakthrough the barriers with kids ought to be a no brainer, but it simply was not happening. There are very few times I know of students actually opening up to teachers. There may very well be real problems that were significant barriers to the student performing well in school, but it seems that most students simply will not share. What I discovered is that most teachers have not earned the right to hear the student’s story. The truth is that a huge number of teachers I have worked with in my quarter century+ in schools have not really gotten real with themselves – let alone students.

Brene’ Brown says that if you don’t know how to do vulnerability, then vulnerability is doing you.  Vulnerability is the door to connection.[2]

I had a student bring this home to me in a very clear way. I will call the student “Bobby” and not use his real name. If you’ve ever watched the cartoon series “King of the Hill” then you would know exactly what Bobby looked like because he very closely resembled Bobby Hill from this cartoon – complete with the buzz haircut because he was constantly fighting lice.

Since Bobby struggled greatly in the classroom and was a frequent flier to the office for discipline reasons, I ended up visiting often with Bobby’s parents. Because the phone was rarely connected I ended up going to Bobby’s house regularly. Bobby’s parents suffered from severe alcoholism and when they were drunk enough they would actually let me in the house.

What I observed was sickening. Left over pizza was ground into the carpet along with other substances that I couldn’t identify yet I could smell. I saw roaches run along the walls. I could see back into the kitchen and the sink was full of dirty pots and pans with the exception of one that was on the floor with a dog working to empty the contents. There was visual and aromatic evidence that there were cats and probably no cat box. Cigarette smoke filled the air and there were piles of dirty clothing. The curtains had feces on them. This is where Bobby lived.

You can imagine how hard it was to come to school clean while living in this environment. So we had Bobby who showed up to school everyday looking like Bobby Hill, smelling like the inside of his house, and reaping the results of a home where there was zero support for learning. You can imagine how eighth grade students treated Bobby. You can also imagine the shame that Bobby carried around with him daily.

In our school we worked hard to celebrate our teachers as well as our students. One way we did this was by having a “Staff Member of the Month” award. Instead of selecting one staff member that was “best” for that month we handled it different. The truth is that, although teachers are like most people and like to be complimented, they are very uncomfortable when one of them is selected as being “best.” Teachers are used to being treated the same. Teachers get paid basically the same (with a little survival pay for hanging in there year after year) no matter how hard or little they work. When one teacher is lifted up over the other, often times it is uncomfortable.

To avoid this we had students, fellow educators, or parents nominate staff members for something special they observed them doing or knew about them doing. We would receive up to 150 nominations per month. We would draw one out of the box where the nominations were turned in and call that person the “Staff Member of the Month.” We would put together a bulletin board about the staff member and load them up with prizes. The remaining nomination forms that stated why they were nominated were put into the staff members’ boxes and it became like Valentine’s Day!

Staff members that never checked their mailboxes rushed down to see if they received nominations with compliments written on them. Some teachers received a box stuffed full of them. Some teachers received none and there was a reason… they had not developed positive relationships with kids.

Bobby had nominated a staff member the kids called “Hud.” Larry Hudson was a superb industrial arts teacher that looked like he belonged in a biker gang. The reason I remember this is because Bobby wrote the most powerful thing I have ever seen written about a teacher. It is so powerful that I committed it to memory. This came from a young man steeped in poverty and shame.

Bobby had filled out the nomination form…

Name: Bobby V.

Nominee: Hud

Date: 14 (?)

And then he wrote the most powerful statement I have ever seen written about an educator. It read…

Reason educator nominated: He treats me rite (sp).

When this was drawn out of the box and I saw it for the first time I had to excuse myself, go to my office, and let the tears flow. Knowing the burden of pain and shame that Bobby carried on a daily basis and how kids treated him…how some educators treated him… this statement about Hud was powerful!

Larry Hudson had dared to love this kid. Knowing Hud, he probably wouldn’t call it love, but I know love when I see it. He would talk to Bobby, treat him with respect, not avoid him, and make him feel like he was as important as anybody else in the class. No one else was able to do this for Bobby. Hud had earned the right to hear Bobby’s story. Mr. Hudson had made himself vulnerable to the possibility of Bobby rejecting him, as was Bobby’s habit. Bobby had been hurt so often that he knew if he rejected you first then he wouldn’t have to worry about being rejected by you. I have no doubt that Bobby did reject Hud at first, but Larry did not take it personal. He kept at it. He opened up to Bobby about his hobbies, riding his Harley, and hunting. He teased Bobby without cutting him down and allowed Bobby to return the favor. He got real with Bobby. He reached Bobby…he treated Bobby “rite.”

[1] Comer, James, “Leave No Child Behind: Preparing Today’s Youth For Tomorrow’s World,” Yale University Press: New Haven and London, 2005.

[2] Brown, Brene’, “Oprah’s Lifeclass: Part 1,” OWN, 2013.