I can remember the little sixth grade boy, Ray, like it was yesterday.  It is hard to believe it has been the number of years it has been since this incident occurred.  Sometimes incidents happen in the life of an educator that define who you are and what you hope to accomplish in the lives of the children for which we are trusted.  Ray was the central character in this defining incident.

Ray and his twin sister were growing up in a Hispanic family in our largely Hispanic community.  Ray, being semi-ornery, had built up quite a few “frequent flyer miles” in my office.  The night before this incident had been tough for Ray.  His dad had a particularly bad habit of drinking too much and then taking his anger out on Ray by beating him.  The man that Ray loved more than any other man would usually use his tools to beat Ray – this time a wrench.  One thing led to another and the Social Rehabilitation Service became involved and took Ray out of his home that night and put him into a foster home in our city.

The next morning the SRS worker called me to let me in on the situation.  My heart sank.  It gets worse.  I have this little ritual I perform for each of my students as a principal for their birthday.  The ritual started when I started asking kids about how their birthday went the day after their birthday and occasionally I would have a student reply, “My parents forgot.”  Wow…  Anyway, because of that I would take a Little Debbie cake, stick a candle in it, and sing my rendition of “Happy Birthday” poorly to them in front of their friends in the classroom.  Students would act like they disliked this ritual and would often remind me well in advance not to sing to them on their birthday.  It usually would go something like this, “My birthday is two months from today and you had better NOT sing to me… 2nd hour.”   …And so 2nd hour it was!  Guess whose birthday was that day.  That’s right – Ray’s.

I continued doing “important middle school principal things” that morning and forgot to go talk to Ray’s teacher and to Ray.  When class started that morning, Ray’s teacher had no clue what Ray had gone through the night before.  I’m sure you would not be surprised to know that Ray was not all that cooperative that morning.  He had caused some sort of disruption and his teacher was having none of it.  She marched him right down to the back hallway entrance to my office and with a firm grip on his arm, pushed him toward a chair that was in front of my desk.  She told me in front of Ray that he had caused a disruption in her class and that she was in no mood to put up with his shenanigans that day.  You could hear the venom in her voice.  The teacher then marched out of my office and back to the classroom.

There sat Ray.  I could see and feel the anger emanating from Ray.  It is amazing how much students can say to us without saying a word if we pay attention.  I could tell he was preparing himself for the wrath of the principal that was about to befall him.  I kept a semi-stern face, looked him in the eye, and said, “Get up and follow me.”

Ray got up out of the chair and followed me through the office.  I told my secretaries that we were leaving and that I would be back later.  I think one of them replied “Good.”  I still don’t know if that was “good” I was leaving or “good” I’ll be back.  Either way, secretaries pretty much run things in schools and they would survive without me.  Ray and I marched down the back hallway and left the building.  Ray knew he was being suspended.  Why wouldn’t he be.  Everything else was crashing down around him – why not school as well?  We crawled into my ’83 Blazer (I splurged and moved up to an ’88 Blazer recently) and headed on a route that took us past his home, his foster home, and on a path that I knew relatively well – the donut shop.  I’m a big guy and I didn’t get this way for nothing. 🙂

I told Ray to get out of the car and follow me.  He followed me to the counter and I ordered two Old Fashion donuts and a Diet-Pepsi.  “Balance”… it didn’t work.  I asked Ray what he would like.  He looked up at me and said, “I don’t want nuthin’ from you.”  I ordered Ray two Old Fashion donuts and an orange juice.  I took the tray of “goods” and sat at a table for two that happened to be in the path of the customer traffic coming in and out of the store.  I put Ray’s donuts and drink in front of him and looked at this 12 year-old boy who was in pain sitting across from me.  I then used a semi-stern voice to say “Ray” and then I softened my voice to say “Happy Birthday, Ray.”  No one had remembered.

Ray broke into tears.  Tears started to come to my eyes as well, but I managed, with a little “eye itching” to hold them back.  Then I did something that I should do a lot more often than I do.  After explaining to Ray that I knew what had happened to him and that I should have come to talk to him and his teacher, I said, “Ray, I am so sorry I didn’t do what I should have done.  Will you forgive me?”  Ray wasn’t exactly used to having his principal ask him for forgiveness and he uttered, “Uh, OK.”  I told the customers as they arrived that today was Ray’s birthday and we were skipping school together.  They would stop and supply the appropriate amount of well wishes for Ray on his birthday and Ray was pretty shy about it at first.  He would shyly reply “Thank you.”   Five minutes later he had gotten over his shyness and would announce in a rather loud voice and a big smile to customers arriving that “today is my birthday and I’m skipping school with the principal!”

We eventually made our way back out to my old car and drove back to the school.  As we pulled into the parking lot I asked Ray if he would do me a personal favor.  Even though all of this was happening to him, would he behave the way he knew I would like him to behave for the rest of the day?  He replied, “Yes, sir.”  His word was good and furthermore, although he had been a fairly “frequent flyer” before, I didn’t see him again for a discipline referral for the remainder of the year.

I learned a couple of lessons from my time with Ray that day.  The first is to give yourself permission to step “outside of the box,” take a risk, and do what is right for that child.  When the teacher brought Ray to the office she wasn’t thinking, “I hope he takes that boy out for some donuts and some love.”  She was thinking more in line with “Beat The Child!”  You will never find this strategy in an educational textbook or manual.  To be quite frank, it wouldn’t work with every child.  Many of the answers that we seek in dealing with children will not be found in an educational text and maybe not advocated by educational “experts,” but they are the right thing at the right time in the right situation.  Ray put me in a position where I had to step out of the box and, in doing that, he taught me a lesson.

Another valuable lesson is to allow ourselves to be vulnerable with kids.  Being real and truly allowing ourselves to be vulnerable – to be seen… really seen, is the only way for connection and relationship to authentically occur.  This is not only true for our connections, relationships, and interactions with kids, but it is true in all of our relationships.  Ray would not trust me, would not work through unearned shame, unless I allowed myself to be vulnerable to his acceptance or rejection and to be genuinely REAL.

This incident happened my second year as a middle school principal and since then I would like to tell you I have nailed it!  That would be a lie.  I am working hard to grow and love kids the way they deserve, but I have failed at this more times than I have time to write about.  The bottom line is to keep trying.  Keep working to embrace vulnerability.  Keep being real.  If we keep growing as we work on these, our interactions, connection, and relationship with those we come in contact on a regular basis will grow despite our fears of rejection and sometimes shame.

I am passionate about relationship and connection… with helping our students, teachers, and all that I get to interact with become what one of my favorite authors, Brene’ Brown, calls “whole hearted.”  Trust me… if you choose to continue to read this blog on occasion, you will hear much more about Whole Hearted people and behavior.