WHOLE HEART… BRAVE HEART
Unless you can know fear, it is impossible to be brave.
If you have ever spent much time with kids at our schools in this nation, you have no doubt run into some kids who are unbelievably brave. Many of the brave people I run into in my life have been our students. They come to us from such varied backgrounds. In one school you may have students who are from affluent, supportive families who never want for anything sitting next to students who are from homes where poverty, alcoholism, and abuse run rampant. We usually end up making the mistake of expecting these two examples of kids to behave and respond the same. That expectation would be a huge mistake.
President Theodore Roosevelt gave a speech at the Sorbonne in Paris, France on April 23, 1910 that spoke to bravery well. He said, “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
For many of our kids, every day of their existence they “step into the arena.” It isn’t just at school that they “step into the arena,” but it is from the moment they rise to deal with the hand they have been dealt at home until the moment they find a place to sleep for the night.
Knowing this, it is our responsibility to cheer them on. It seems that most of our society predicts failure for those who are stuck in poverty and very adverse circumstance. The kids that dare to “step into the arena” understand that they are the underdog. They understand that there may be “booing” and an expectation to fail based on who they are when they walk into the arena. They understand that the people who built the “arena” tend to cheer those on that are most like the builders of the arena, yet they walk into the arena afraid…and because they are afraid – brave.
These kids have come to the realization that you can choose courage or you can choose comfort, but you cannot have both. Being brave takes us out of our comfort zone and is vital to breakthrough life’s circumstances. As adults and educators, it is our responsibility to prepare our kids for the “arena.” This involves having the courage to develop a relationship with the kid…often not comfortable for either. It requires us to be their cheerleader, their confidant, their coach… their teacher.
I love Brene’ Brown’s description of stories…data with a soul. This book has been peppered with “data with a soul.” I do this because I have discovered, as our ancestors who wrote fables, legends, and parables before us, that this type of “data” not only goes into the mind but it moves to the heart. With that in mind, I would like to share some “data” on Shaun.
Shaun was a seventh grade young man who had managed to achieve “frequent flier” status in our middle school office. He sought attention and received it the easy way – poor behavior. We knew that life was tough for this young man. If you have ever driven south out of Colorado Springs, CO on I-25 toward Pueblo you would notice a KOA Campground just to the east of the highway in the Fort Carson vicinity. That is where Shaun lived in a four door sedan with a dad that looked like a Hell’s Angel, a mom that was beat down by his dad, and a third grade brother. He lived in the car. We had been concerned for the social, mental, and physical well being of this kid throughout his seventh grade year.
Shaun barely made it through his seventh grade year academically and now we were starting his eighth grade year. My assistant principal and I made our normal beginning of the year presentations to the students and one of the things we presented to the kids was our plan to reward, recognize, respect, and reinforce academic achievement, great attitudes, and positive actions as much or more than what has been typically reserved for athletic achievement. Some of what we called the “4 R’s” involved earning different levels of cards that came with different extra prizes and privileges. In this school, it worked amazingly well and now, eighteen years later, the program is still making a difference in students’ lives. But I digress…
Shaun came up to my assistant principal and myself after our presentation and informed us that he was going to earn one of the cards. We smiled and sent Shaun on his way. We knew there was no way the Shaun that we knew from the year before was going to earn a reward card. The lowest level card required a 3.0 GPA (or a 0.5 increase in GPA over the previous quarter), no discipline referrals, no more than one tardy, and no unexcused absences.
As we talked and laughed a little about Shaun coming up and announcing to us that he was going to earn a card, we thought “why not?” To do this we were going to have to work to put success in his path. One of the things we knew intuitively and from research is that students involved in activities tend to perform substantially better than students not involved in activities. We needed to get Shaun involved.
With the start of each school year brings football. We knew that Shaun had no medical physical that he would have to have to compete. He would have no football shoes to wear and we knew he would have no ride home from practice to the KOA Campground miles away. We worked to set all of these up and then we approached him. “Shaun, would you like to play football?” He replied, “OK.” It was on!
Shaun had an amazing football season. Shaun was a great big blonde shaggy haired kid who absolutely excelled at football. By the end of the nine-week grade period, which also coincided with the end of the football season, Shaun had a 3.0 GPA, no discipline referrals, was never tardy, and had no unexcused absences. He had earned his card! He was so proud at our first Academic Pep Assembly when he was able to come forward and get his card. Most of the students and many staff members were a little slack jawed when they saw Shaun rise to go receive his just reward. We did have a problem… football was over.
“Heh, Shaun… Want to be on the wrestling team?”
“OK.”
As an administrator we must supervise our activities. My assistant principal and I were dividing up duties between the two sports that coincided – wrestling and volleyball. While I love volleyball, this was before the “rally scoring system” was brought in and it took forever for some of our middle school volleyball games to end. With that in mind, I volunteered for wrestling. I didn’t know much about wrestling, but I could cheer loud.
Shaun was our heavy weight wrestler. As it turned out, he was also a great wrestler. I couldn’t help but marvel at this young man who entered the arena every match with all of the pressures that come with the life he led. He had the pressure of living in a car. He had the pressure of living with a dad who was prone to abuse. He had the pressure of trying to protect his mom and his brother from his dad. He had the pressure of trying to make sure he had something clean to wear to school. He had the pressure of often times trying to find food to eat when they had run out. Now he had the pressure of being the last wrestler of every wrestling meet with the team’s win or loss often falling to him. I like to joke that there is also the pressure of having to wear the “onesie” that wrestlers have to wear as a uniform to compete in, but I have since been corrected and informed it is called a “singlet.” I could see the stress on his face every time he stepped on the mat. It tied my gut in a knot as well.
Shaun and I developed a ritual after every one of his matches. I am sure that as you pictured Shaun in your mind at the wrestling matches, you did not picture Shaun’s parents in attendance. You would be correct. They never did attend a football game, wrestling match, or a track meet (the spring sport he participated in that year). I thought I would have to comfort him after losing a match, but I never did have to. He won every match! Our ritual involved me running to the edge of the mat after he won, putting my arm around his neck in a hug (and doing a little “head butt” to “be a men about it”), and then me saying “Shaun, I’m so proud of you!” His response was always the same as well… “Thank you, Sir.” He learned “sir” in football that year.
It was the second to the last match of the year and Shaun was matched up with another undefeated wrestler. There was a large crowd that was loud and going a little nuts. It looked as though there were going to be a couple of wrestling matches in the crowd at one point and now the win or loss for the team came down to the Heavyweight match between Shaun and the other undefeated boy.
The match was back and forth and Shaun was behind until the last few seconds when Shaun got a reverse and pinned his opponent. The crowd went nuts! The other team’s crowd was very upset that it was called a pin and our home crowd was ecstatic. I had to immediately move to the crowd to keep fights from breaking out and work everyone out of the gym. I then worked my way home.
The next morning bright and early I was at my principal’s desk working and I looked up and flinched a little in surprise as Shaun was standing in my doorway. He had worked his way right past the secretaries and was standing there a little misty eyed. I greeted him and then asked what he was up to. He replied with a question, “Why weren’t you at my match last night?”
I responded, “Shaun, I was there! I’m hoarse this morning from screaming so loud. Way to kick some butt!!”
Tears then started to work their way down Shaun’s face and he asked, “Why didn’t you come down on the mat afterwards?”
My heart sank. Although I had an excuse, it was not a good one. I apologized and gushed over how well he was doing, but that didn’t take the place of the moment that he was looking forward to after the match.
Shaun had one match left that season and I raced down to the mat after he won and gave him a huge hug and “head bonk.” That was the reward, recognition, respect, and reinforcement he was looking for. What did Shaun yearn for? …love, respect, connection! He hungered for the meaningful connection that relationship can bring to a young man in dire circumstances. Was he afraid to enter the arena? Absolutely. Was he brave? Absolutely!
He was willing to risk it all for the chance of Connection. The only way Shaun was going to have this chance to be whole hearted was to step into the arena and take advantage of the success that caring educators put in his path. The educators worked hard to create a path that did not allow him to dodge success as many kids manage to do.
They did this with love – the type of love that made Shaun want to check at the gate of the arena any shame he felt from the circumstances he was born into. He was shown that he was worthy of love and worthy of connection. He was worthy of success in the classroom arena, in the athletic arena, in the relationship arena, and in the arena of life.